You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him.
If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him.
If you don't shave, no one will know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You can dress yourself.
Your hair is yours to keep.
If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic.
You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.
If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth.
When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
You don't have hair on your back.
If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.
You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
If you have big ears, no one has to know.
You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.